A Tail Told by JD

--DawgPatch, USA (from Associated Pedigree newswire services)

The day after the big mid-term elections yielded some interesting results for the four-legged citizens of the country. Numerous referendums, bond issues and candidates saw their dreams come to realization and others saw them go down smelling like week-old roadkill on a hot Alabama highway.

While human voters in various regions of the country voted on bi-lingual education, canine voters from Schutzhund and Ring organizations held their own referendum on bilingual education. At issue was not Spanish, but rather the affirmed use of German and French as a primary language while the dogs were learning English. Proponents of this measure argued that dogs should be allowed to be taught in their native language. Opponents countered with compelling arguments that Southerners butcher the English language so badly that for them to attempt to train in German would come out sounding like a cross between Scarlett O'Hara, Charles DeGaulle and the coach of the East German ladies' swim team. Votes are still being counted, but this promises to be a close one.

A bond issue that caught the hearts of dogs all across the country was co-sponsored with Firefighters United. On the ballot was a proposed tax hike of .00001 of 1% to fund the additional purchase and placement of 500,000 fire hydrants located strategically in urban areas across the country. As one Dalmatian who was working with Firefighters United explained, "You think the lines to the restrooms are long at football games, you oughta see us city dogs all lined up to use just one fire hydrant. This is definitely in America's best interest." Apparently the public agrees as the vote looks as though it will pass.

This election also saw the formation of a new coalition of special interest canines group interested in enacting stronger "cat control" laws. Dubbed as C.R.A.T.E. (Cats Really Are Terrorists Extreme), CRATE moved for tighter restrictions on free-roaming cats. This sparked a heated debate between CRATE and the newly formed cats' union called L.E.A.D. (Leash Every Awful Dog). CRATE argued that free roaming cats enjoy "special priviliges" while free roaming dogs are subject to impoundment and heavy fines--not to mention gawd-awful dog food while imprisoned. LEAD countered with it is unnatural to confine a feline and that they protect houses from squirrels and other rodents. Neither side was willing to give an inch, so it went to the polls. Critics of the measure say they will appeal the constitutionality of this bill if the voters pass it.

And for the first time in recent history, politicians began counting on the canine vote. As Cook County (Chicago) Dog Catcher candidate R.D. "Shifty" Swindler commented, "No longer can we count on the dead vote to get us in office. Now, we rely upon the canine vote." Swindler promised better accomodations, a rawhide for newly restrained dogs, condo type facilities at the Cook County Dawg Pound and steak tartar for every evening meal. Canine voters saw right through these flimsy campaign promises and soundly defeated Swindler's effort at gaining the top spot in the Dawg Pound. In the process, some canine activists broke into Swindler's campaign headquarters and thoroughly soiled the rug, chewed up his furniture and left permanent nose-prints in all the windows. No one canine group is claiming responsibility at this time.

Healthcare was on the minds of many canines and their owners. Canines lobbied Jim Lemon and his Lemonhead Cronies for examining tables that were pre-heated instead of the cold steel they are accustomed to. "No what it feels like to plop your pride(s) right down on a freezing cold examining table in the middle of December?" grumbled a 210 pound St. Bernard from Frozen Lake, Minnesota. Another group of canines from Berkley, California pushed for increased dosages of narcotic painkillers to be administered after spaying and neutering procedures. "Who wants to be in the real world after waking up, reaching down to lick your pride(s) only to realize that they are long gone?" explained an Afghan hound, who was still walking somewhat gingerly. "We need some heavy duty drugs to help us get over that." The group H.I.G.H. (Homeopathic Institute for Garlic & Herbs) opposed the Berkley referendum, which resulted in a catastrophic dog fight. Meanwhile, canine owners lobbied for their own healthcare remedies.

"Shoot," drawled one canine owner from Texas, "I need something to help clear up these foul-smelling farts my critters blow. We're already down here in the land of gas, but it ain't from no gas wells, no siree, it's from these danged dawgs. We need some relief."

And as the votes continued to roll in, America was tuned into their local news watching the results of the entire election. And what with all of the promises made in the heat of battle that will never be kept, everyone pretty much agreed that this election definitely went to the dogs.

Copyright © 1998, 2001 by J.D. Kinman. Reprinted with permission of the author.