A Tail Told by JD

Man's Best Friend Says "I've Had It With Dawg Bans. Let's Ban People!"

In a tense press conference yesterday, several canine members of B.S. (Ban Stupidpeople) announced their plans to end senseless and prejudicial breed bans in some of North America's cities. Their solution is to initiate wide-sweeping bans of Problematic Anal & Idiotic Nerds (P.A.I.Ns) and thus helping make our cities and rural areas a better place to live.

A variety of ideas were tossed out to reporters ranging from the simplistic and idealistic to the extreme. Whizzer, a large mixed-breed, seemed to be in charge of all the B.S. members present. And Whizzer was quite vocal.

"We see where PAINs are trying to ban so-called pit bulls," Whizzer began, "but can any of you geniuses out there in the media tell me exactly what a pit bull IS?" Many uncomfortable murmurs emerged from the pool of reporters.

"Well," a pimply faced geeky reporter began, "I've seen them, so I know they exist. They are dangerous dogs and should be banned." The other reporters broke into spontaneous applause, marveling at their colleague's courage and journalistic integrity.

"You, zit-face," snarled Whizzer, "are a true PAIN. Did you know that drunk drivers cause far more injuries than so-called pit bulls?"

"OK, then what about Rottweilers?" demanded another reporter. "We've been hearing an awful lot about them on the news as of late."

"And, you. . . you royal PAIN in the posterior," growled Whizzer, "just where do you THINK this so called <i>news</i> comes from? It comes from spineless sensationalists like yourself. Why don't you yahoos ever write more about the heroic deeds that Rottweilers do--like protecting a child from a wild animal? Or why don't you write about the Rottweilers that are Therapy dogs and visit children and elderly patients in hospitals?"

There was a deafening silence among the press corps.

"Uh huh, I thought so," muttered Whizzer. "Well, let me give you some B.S. proposals:

First: We propose to ban all drunk drivers from ALL North American cities. No exceptions. They have proven repeatedly that they can't be trusted and that they injure and kill far more people than do all the dog bites combined.

We also propose to ban all child molesters and rapists. After all, when's the last time any of you hot-shot info-geeks heard about a dog doing such a thing? And believe me, there are FAR more child molesters and rapists walking our streets today than there are dangerous dogs.

But, just to humor you PAINs in the media, we also propose to ban people who stink, people with questionable lineage, people who can't prove exactly what race they are, short people, tall people, ugly people--that would be ALL of you in this room--fat people, skinny people--"

"But that's PREJUDICED!!!" shrilled the pimply-faced reporter. "You're banning people based on nothing more than how they look and what you might THINK they will do--"

"Works for you, don't it?" replied Whizzer

Copyright ©  1998, 2001 by JD Kinman. Reprinted with permission of the author.