A Tail Told by JD

(reprinted with permission from the Texas Dawg-Gone Gazette)

In a heavily wooded area teeming with dangerous snakes, toothy lizards--as the alligators are commonly called by the locals--and interconnecting lakes, locals have taken to boarding up their homes and sleeping with bazookas underneath their pillows.

The cause for this state of alarm?

The dreaded Dalma-CheewawaTzu Retriever.

The police department reported yet another vicious attack by this miniature spotted devil-in-dog's clothing just last night.

"It was gawd-awful!" stammered Blanch Stumpwater. "It just stood there and panted, then it began growling and showing its little teeth. . . and then it attacked. Like'n to scared me slap to death." Mrs. Stumpwater went on to explain that it took nearly two entire mason jars worth of her husband's best home-brewed elixir to calm her down. In the meantime, Mrs. Stumpwater suffered aggravating scratches to her ankles.

"If I had shaved my legs this month, there wouldn't have been anything between my ankles and that vicious (expletive deleted) dawg's venomous fangs," stated Mrs. Stumpwater.

Whizz Furman, the local animal control specialist and part-time librarian, explained exactly what the Dalma-CheewawaTzu Retriever is.

"It's a diabolical cross between a Dalmatian, a Cheewawa, a Shih-Tzu and any number of the local Labrador Retrievers," explained Whizz as he held up Polaroids of Dalma-CheewawaTzu Retrievers his shelter has caught and rehabilitated. "What they do is sneak up on you--that's because all them spots help blend them into the local landscape and making them practically invisible. Then, when you finally spot them, they look harmless enough and they kind of whimper and beg for attention like most lap dawgs. BUT, when you lean over to pet them, they stick their ears up, get all stiff-legged and that's when they get you."

Get you?

"Yeah," Whizz went on. "They go for the fingers first, but because they are so small, they usually end up attacking the ankles. Lots of ladies around here have lost some danged good panty hose 'cause of these things. And lemme tell you: When one of these Dalma-CheewawaTzu Retrievers gets their teeth all snarled up in a stout pair of Leggs or Hanes, boy does the fur start flying! Kinda looks like one of them lions over there in Africa that get caught up in a snare."

So has anybody ever tried to capture one of these dreaded whatchamacallits?

"Many have tried," answered Whizz, "but here's the twist: The retriever blood in these things gives 'em webbed feet and they then take off for the nearest pond. Swim like fish these things do."

Many in this neck of the woods feel that the reason the Dalma-CheewawaTzu Retriever has become such a problem is because the breed has become very popular with poker players who use it to guard their chewing tobacco spittoons during long poker bouts in secret locations.

"Know what a good brass spittoon costs these days?" demanded a poker player who requested that he remain anonymous. "And what with the Tobacco police always hounding us, we need protection."

State experts believe that the cause for this inherent viciousness in the breed is due to the fact that breeders refused to "cull" pups with undesirable traits. "Some of these pups are born just plain mean," stated Whizz. "Shoot, I've seen 'em come out of the womb, shake off all that wet stuff, and then jump out of the whelping box and terrorize an entire family before they even get their first dose of mother's milk."

And yet, many Dalma-CheewawaTzu Retriever lead normal and healthy lives without any hint of viciousness whatsoever.

"Those are from those folks who know how to breed responsibly," said Whizz. "But we got a bunch of folks who just go an' breed these little demons and when they see a mean one in the bunch, they don't bother culling it none. No siree, they just go and tell the buyer to neuter or spay the thing. But that don't stop them from being mean, it just stops them from making even more mean ones."

"Seems to me," Whizz continued, "that a responsible breeder would take the necessary steps to see that a vicious little demon would never make it to anybody's home. Cause what happens is the family can't handle an ill-tempered Dalma-CheewawaTzu Retriever and they end up bringing it to us or it runs off. Just don't seem right to let such a little devil get loose and terrorize a town the way some have."

Blanch Stumpwater couldn't agree more.

Copyright © 1998, 2001 by J.D. Kinman. Reprinted with permission of the author.