A Tail Told by JD

Residents In Care Center Claim Helicopters Shot Up Their Azalea Garden. U.S. Government Denies It Exists.

In a rather unusual story, residents of the Home for Senile Seniors (HOSS) in Fantasyville, Texas, were up in arms over a recent sighting of alleged "Black Helicopters" that hovered menacingly over their residence.

But it was what was flying those black helicopters that really spooked them.

"There were these dogs flying the helicopters!" exclaimed an elderly woman who had forgotten her name. "They looked like werewolves! And they were wearing U.S. Army uniforms!"

After hovering over the HOSS facility, the helicopters suddenly darted straight up and then sideways at such a rate of speed as to cause a sonic boom that rattled windows for miles. The residents thought they were safe until the helicopters suddenly reappeared. Then all hell broke loose.

"These helicopters were looking for a target," explained Herbert Feeblefitzem, a long-time resident of HOSS. "At first, it looked like they were going to fire their missiles into the birdbaths, but then they spotted the Azalea Garden. They opened up with their laser-guided machine guns and just shot up the whole danged thing!"

Located on Conspiracy Avenue, just two blocks east of the famed Paranoia Parkway, the Home for Senile Seniors had been a hotspot for such sightings before. But this was the first time the helicopters actually shot up anything that concerned most residents.

But the fact that these helicopters were seemingly flown by dogs really had the residents in a buzz. "Didn't look like ordinary dogs," said one resident. "Looked like they had a little bit of wolf or something in them."

When asked why they thought that "wolfdogs" would be flying these helicopters, many of the residents piped up with their opinions about the experiments the government denies they are conducting at nearby Fort LaLaLand.

"Why, we've been hearing rumors of the U.S. Government doing Top Secret experiements with these kinds of dogs," explained Winnie Bittleman. "I hear that they're training those wolfdogs to fight a tribe of New Guinea barbarians that wants to overthrow Detroit."

"No way," disagreed Philo Tooterkowsky. "They're training these special wolfdogs to confiscate people's machine guns so no humans will get slaughtered. Well, I can tell you right now, they ain't getting mine!"

"I hear that they (the U.S. Goverment and Fort LaLaLand) are breeding some specialized kind of wolfdog for fighting the Soviets in the Arctic Circle," suggested Ethel Rosterblum. "Oh dear, I hope those vicious killers don't go after any of the little elves that Santa Claus has working for him."

"Oh, those elves are actually part of the Roswell Project," sneered Philo. "I hear they're breeding the wolfdogs to those elves, who are really aliens. THAT'S how they learned to fly these black helicopters."

When asked how the residents knew that these were Top Secret Wolfdogs flying the black helicopters that shot up their Azalea Garden, one resident offered his own eyewitness account. "Shoot, we saw one of 'em land that contraption and get out," stated Morris Deedleschlotz. "He walked right over to the nearest fire hydrant and let loose. Must've whizzed for a full five minutes. Then he pawed the ground and kicked up some petunias in the process, howled and sprinted back to his helicopter. I was fearing for my life!"

"Another one," Morris went on to explain, "just hung his fuzzy butt out the cargo door and let go with a small dump. We scooped it up and sent it to the lab for analysis, and sure it enough, it came back positive for Top Secret Wolfdog. Wasn't very high content of wolf, however, thank goodness."

But meanwhile, the excitement has seemed to have died down at the Home for Senile Seniors, and as talk of the wolfdog flying black helicopters becomes a quick memory, residents are busy replanting their Azalea Garden. 

"Yep," commented Winnie, wiping a smear of dirt from her cheek, "this is the third time now we've had to replant this here Azalea Garden."

And what happened to it the first two times?

"Oh, the first time wasn't so bad--Elvis himself had eaten a big bag of cheeseburgers and fell asleep, crushing some of the plants. But the second time, BigFoot didn't like the colors of the blooms and pulled every single Azalea up by the roots."

Kinda makes wolfdogs flying black helicopters seem mild, doesn't it?

Copyright © 1999, 2001 by J.D. Kinman. Reprinted with permission of the author.