A Tail Told by JD

Remote Controlled Dobermans?

A well-dressed couple was looking for a Doberman one day and happened upon a rather reputable and experienced breeder. They asked to see his stock, and then naturally inquired about price-after all, THAT was what REALLY mattered more than anything.

"So," inquired the husband, "how much?"

"How much for what?" replied the breeder.

"How much for one of your dogs?"

"Oh, depends on what you're really wanting. Can you tell me more about what it is you want out of a Doberman?" asked the breeder.

"Easy," said the wife. "We want a push-button Doberman."

"What?"

"A push-button Doberman," repeated the wife, but this time slower as she figured the old man might be a bit hard of hearing.

"A push-button Doberman?" the breeder asked once more, somewhat incredulously.

"A push-button Doberman," repeated both the husband and wife. What was wrong with this breeder's hearing, weren't they both clear the first time?

"You know," explained the wife, "like when we want him to be ferocious and protective, he will be-just like if we pushed a button or something."

"Ferocious and protective," muttered the breeder under his breath. "What about loving and affectionate?"

"Oh, that too!" exclaimed the husband. "Yep, when we want him to be all lovy-dovy, just push the button and he'll be kissing us all over and wiggling his little butt."

"Lovy-dovy?"

"But not TOO lovy-dovy," replied the wife. "I get my hair done every Friday along with a facial-if he gets too sweet, it'll ruin my face for the weekend when we have guests over."

"You'll be entertaining then?"

"Oh yes, we do all the time-that's when we send our children to their grandparents."

"You never mentioned children before," said the breeder, with one eyebrow raised. "Do they get along with dogs?"

"Doesn't matter," said the husband with an airy wave of his hand. "The dog we're looking for will get along with them-you know, just push the button."

"And what if the kids get a little rowdy or rough with the Doberman and he growls or snaps back at them?"

"Ohhhhhh, you silly old man," giggled the wife. "You forget! Just push the button and OUR Doberman will be all lovy and dovy and won't do anything we don't want him to do!"

"How could I have forgotten that?" the breeder asked himself out loud. "About these guests-will any of them get rowdy?"

"Just my brother," explained the wife. "He just got out of prison last month and has a slight drug habit that makes him a little crazy now and then. Or, if he has more than a dozen or so shots of homemade vodka, he gets a little crazy and tries to throw me out the window."

"BUT," the husband reminded the breeder, "with our push-button Doberman, we can make sure that he just ignores him."

"OK, just a few questions more for you," said the breeder. "How do you want your Doberman to go potty?"

"Like pushing a button-when we say crap, he lets it fly."

"Going for a walk?"

"Who has time for that," asked the wife. "I'm too busy planning for our weekend bashes and meeting with our kids' principal and probation officers."

"Training?"

"I thought Dobermans were born already trained," responded the husband. "You mean they're NOT?"

"Veterinarian?"

"You mean Dobermans get sick?"

"Where will the dog sleep?"

"Whaddya mean sleep?" demanded the wife. "When he's not being lovy-dovy with us, he'll be awake being ferocious and protective while guarding our house!"

"What kind of dog food will you feed him?"

"Food? Doesn't he come with a lifetime supply of food?" whined the wife.

"And if he chews or digs?" inquired the breeder, checking off his final question.

"We'll just tell him to stop and he'll stop," the husband replied confidently. "Just like pushing a button."

"Well, that just about does it for me!" roared the old breeder. "Now, if you'll just get the hell out of here and the hell off of my property you MIGHT just save me from siccing my own Dobermans on your sorry hides. I've never met anyone as ignorant as you 'cause I didn't think you really existed. 'Course, I don't believe in UFOs either. But after getting a load from you two, I might just spend all damned night looking up into the sky wondering if there is INTELLIGENT LIFE OUT THERE BECAUSE YOU TWO DAMNED SURE AIN'T IT!!!!"

Finished with his diatribe, the old breeder shoved the couple to their car and went inside where he promptly popped the top on a cold beer and looked disbelievingly at the couple who had started their car and were backing up out of his driveway.

"Sheesh, wonder what THAT was all about?" mused the wife.

"Don't know," replied the husband. "We sure must punched the wrong button with that old man, though. . ."

--JD

Copyright © 2000, 2001 by JD Kinman. Reprinted with permission of the author.